The stupid fat bear

All the guards were sad and messed up. It was useless really, grown men coming back home from work all gloomy and baffled, unable to satisfy their women. Apart from the female guard of course, but then again she was a lesbo, so the same principle applies. That’s another story altogether. Anyways, all that because of a stupid fat bear. Not that it is his fault really. It was that other one, the cheeky monkey that orchestrated the whole escape thing. What a mess that was.

It was during November, and nobody was really visiting the Zoo, November is all slippery and muddy and very un-zoo like. Strangely enough the monkey was very active all climbing and jumping and screaming giving quite a show for the guards, or so they though anyways, because guess what? The monkey was in fact establishing a narrowband, fault-full, chatter enriched, noise clattered line of communication with the area’s pigeons. You know the fast internet connection you 've got, abusing it for your porn habit? Well, nothing like it, it is more like the way psychics order pizza. Well, the monkey was trying to communicate, not for some weird interspecies sex, but because he needed them for the job. The fat little fucks were the bosses of them all, terrorizing all the animals, collecting their share of the food, pissing and shitting everywhere, stupid thugs. Anyways, long story short, the monkey got the pigeons to organize a heist, get his cell’s key, drop it to him, and in return he would do a few bakery jobs for them while he would be on the outside.

You might be wandering where the hell does the fat bear fit in all these. Well, besides the fact that he does not fit anywhere, the monkey had all kinds of reasons to help him out. For starters, the bear was big, really big, slow moving sure, but very big indeed, and as we all know all too well, big generally is interpreted as intimidating. The way the monkey was thinking the whole situation, it was like this. Loose a few loaves of bread to a monkey or loose your head to a big, fat intimidating bear. The equation works itself out really. Plus, he sort of liked him in a bizarre and sadistic way. Thinking of it, it could have been his slobbery face. All drooling and stuff.

So, it is November, and all the pussy keepers are having their special tea during launch if you know what I mean, and they are laughing and stuff, because if you don’t laugh during November, you might as well go and jump of a cliff or something, and I am telling you, the place is crowded with pigeons, it’s was like that movie, The Birds, but you know, instead of those what have you scary birds, it was pigeons. And they were numerous, like millions. Ok, not millions but they were an awful lot of them, but what was bizarre was that they were not shitting their white greenish acid poison, instead they were flying in formations and shit, really, like in that Jarmusch movie, Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. Now imagine this, you ‘ve got a bunch of drunk animal caretakers trying to choreograph a whole aircraft carrier worth of pigeons, and at the same time a small group of three mental ninja educated pigeons pinching the keys to the monkey’s cell. So, for better or worse, everything is working fine, it is all peachy.

Not to bother much of your time, blah, blah, blah, the pigeons nab the keys, the guards are distracted like Blucher was in the battle of Waterloo, monkey gets the keys, stresses all the possible brain cells in his little skull, open his gate, rushes to the fat bear’s cage, guess what. No keys for the bear! The monkey is furious, all his planning goes haywire, he is about to explode with rage and angst, but despite all his instincts and his inferior to human DNA, he composes himself, grabs the ninja-like pigeons, instructs them on the bear’s keys, they are all like negotiating and arguing that the bear was not part of the deal, and the monkey is counter-arguing that they are ninja or samurai pigeons, and they live by their honor and not bullshit talking, and it is their job to execute commands, not question them, and besides he will chip-in a couple more of those bakery jobs just for them. Anywho, the three pigeons agree and go on looking for the other key, meanwhile the bear get’s all panicky, the monkey is dancing like a madman, or more likely like a mad monkey, trying to, you know, entertain the bear, which bizarrely works fine, and at the same time all the other flying pigeons, are getting furious and sweaty, because they are totally not used to flying. I mean, you know how pigeons are, all walking and bullying, the point being is flying is not their best act. Despite all possible twists of fate, the three unbelievably sly and capable pigeons come back with the goods, and again, against all odds and a few more, the monkey unlocks the bear’s gate, and then … and then all hell breaks loose.

The stupid fat bear roars with excitement, and believe it or not that was a major turn-off for the all the drunk guards, who within just a few seconds turned from a bunch of assholes to a god damn animal hating SWAT team, with the lesbian charging the lead. Of course that’s nothing. The bear manages the fastest mood swing since Lisa Minnelli and Barbara Streisand met in the same room, the flying pigeons drop like stones, rather soft and fatty stones if you ask me, all exhausted from the pattern flying, the three ninja-samurai-jedi-shaolin pigeons disappear into thin air, proving their abilities once more in the most inconvenient way and time, and of course the cheeky monkey eventually returns from being a mini hairy version of general Romel to a full grown cheeky monkey and screams and jumps and makes a run for it.

The bear you ask. Of course, the bear, what about the bear, you ask. Well the bear is scared shitless and on the verge of crying, sees the monkey making a run for it and tries to do the same. Again I will desperately have to implore for your imagination, reminding you of one crucial, vital and terrifyingly important piece of information. November, rainy, muddy fucking November. You remember that song, November Rain? Well, November. So, now, please try and imagine a wet sobbing bear trying to dash the hell out of a zoo in the slippery mud. I think you are starting to get it, that image in your puny head. The bear takes one clumsy step, then another, then another, how many are these, three, well one more clumsy step with the angry lesbian –on her period you see – just fifty feet away, and then the stupid fat bear slips. Just like that, in a completely unsurprising manner, his right leg lifts so high up, he actually strained it, and to add insult to injury he cracks his ass-bone as well with his earthquake landing. Pathetic, and worst, typical, of that stupid, fat bear.

So, that’s the end result, an escape attempt making the last scene in The Great Escape look funny, a never ending crying baby in the form of a sad fat hairy, and dirty by the way, bear and a group of neo-nazi animal keepers feeling sorry for it. They even thought of starting a get-a-female-bear-to-wet-this-sorry’s-sad-excuse-for-a-bear-dick- charity thing, but they opted our of it the last minute realizing it would have been to gay for their taste. On the other hand you can always look on the bright side of things. The local sixteen year old weed dealer was doing great business with the guards in their rubbish attempt of lifting their spirits. But then of course, they lacked the humanity for it.

PS. To the bear's credit, at least he is not a fucking panda. Have a nice winter assholes.